Porn seems interesting right now...

So, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, why is it, whenever anyone else I know holds a knife/toy gun/hockey mask/balaclava/lighter/matches or even a heavy, blunt object, all my friends are like,

“LOLZ THAT’S FUNNY GUYZ!!!”

Whereas, should I hold any of the aforementioned objects, people then start freaking out and shouting at me things like,

“JESUS! Who gave you that! For the love of god, put it down, Jesus, PUT IT DOWN!”

I mean, come on, I'm trained to work with knives (I'm an apprentice chef) and as for the balaclava and hockey mask, man, those are just costumes. The blunt objects and toy guns, well, those go without saying, it’s just me having a little fun, being the general nuisance that I am.

Ah, but the matches or lighter…

Well, I can actually see where my friends are coming from, I mean, let me be honest here, the reason why I am the ‘Jester of Fire’, is, well, the ‘Jester’ part at least stems from the fact that I'm a pure joker, dancing in public, climbing on top of things and proclaiming my awesome-ocity.

The ‘Fire’ part comes from my love of all things fire related, from my old days of twirling fire (till I set my pants alight once) to my new fun with poorly crafted home-made flame throwers, the latter being the cause of several near misses at my friends heads (apparently, my joke of holding a lighter in front of a perfume bottle isn’t as appreciated as I thought). Add to the previous reasons, also the fact that I have set myself on fire by accident on three separate occasions in the past year alone, and well, the numbers really do add up.

….and now that I think about, fire, it’s just really neat, right?

Well, I forgot my point, but I think I proved myself wrong, but where my point was trying to go before I got distracted by disturbing thoughts about fire and being distracted as I just watched Christian Bale do strange things with hookers (sorry, watching American Psycho at the moment of writing).

I wanted to say, I really, really, hate street performers, I mean, so much I hate them.

You know that poor sap who the street performer singles out to make an example of and to rope them into being part of the act whilst the rest of the crowd watches on and grimaces at the poor fool has to smile weakly as the street performer does something that is utterly ridiculous (and not in the good way) and utterly embarrass that poor schmuk, who, unfortunately, is usually me.

Now, proclaiming myself to be a jester, then denouncing street performers might sound hypocritical, but to explain It all, well, FUCK YOU.

What? You want some kind of thoughtful explanation? Well, how does, FUCK YOU TWICE YOU ARSEHOLES, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR UNICYCLES OR YOUR FUCKING JUGGLING, DON’T TALK TO ME, I DON’T WANT ANY PART OF YOUR STUPID ROUTINE!!!

Okay, okay, fine, I don’t take money to act like a buffoon, they do, and I only embarrass myself, whereas all of them embarrass their entire audiences, there, happy, an actual explanation.

So I guess I should go and talk about the hot topic of the distinct lack of rapture to strike across the earth.

Well, I am a little disappointed in the sheer underwhelming nature of the 19^th of May currently passed, I was hoping for maybe an epic natural disaster on a global scale, maybe nukes scattering our bones to the winds, or even a good and simple zombie apocalypse, which, honestly, I would have rocked the hell out of, I know my shit, just like every other nerd on the planet, but I will give you some good, down to earth tips now on how to actually make it through the future zombie apocalypse

JESTERS GUIDE TO THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

1. Faster than you: The first rule of the zombie apocalypse, you don't have to be faster than the zombies, you really only need to be faster than the slowest member of your party, so always keep a chubby, slow runner on the team, and you'll be safe.... Unless that means you're the chubby slow one, then... well, it was nice having you.
2. Survival of the most reading-est: READ UP! No, seriously, read some survival books, things like the SAS survival guide and anything on camping, also, reading the Zombie Survival guide, World War Z and the Zombie Combat Manual (which I own all of, which are all dog eared to near falling apart).
3. Pick your time: Serious one here kiddles, pick your time to travel, how long i will take, how much shelter you have along the way because there would be nothing worse than setting out to get somewhere and rocking up at the worst time of day (depending on zombies, day or night will have to be taken as the situation fits).
4. Kung Fu Chaos: learn a martial art, or a form of weapons training, not just for yourself, but your friends and family and pet dog, because, whilst the martial arts training might not help against the zombies, it would be useful to be able to protect yourself from other survivors.

So, thats all I really have, i'm tired now and I am looking forward to a good sleep after a hard day of nothing ( I was lazy today).

So hit my up with any questions, hate mail or pledges of allegiance at, 

JesterofFire@rocketmail.com

and remember kiddies: smoking only looks cool when you are over 21, otherwise, you look like a complete twat that no one wants to be friends with.... Twat

No. 42, PARA. 6: How not to be seen

Well, now I’ve done it, gone and gotten this whole bloggity blog stuff all signed up for and ready for my waves of bullshit to pollute the otherwise pure and virginal sea that is the internet.

Well, first things first, welcome to my blog,

I am your humble friend and lord/master, Jester

This blog is Ignis Follis, which, according to the supreme knowledge of Google, is roughly translated to, Ignis=Fire, Follis=bag of wind, as in wind bag, not some giant bag I keep the unfavorable driving winds my captive like some modern day Odysseus, although that would be pretty damn cool.

Anyway, best get to the blogging part.

As I type this, I'm watching the first Friday 13^th film in all its 80’s glory, and damn, those are some oversexed teens.

It really has always bugged me about films and such and their showing of teen sexy-times, now, I'm not one to complain about people getting loads of sex, not my concern, power to you pal if you just scored with half the cheerleading squad/camp councilors/field trip group.
What really bugs me is that places they do it, I mean, jay-sis, under the bleachers, back of a car and atop a creepy loft at camp Crystal Lake?

Keep it in the pants ladies and fellas, just wait the one or two weeks till you get to a nice and warm and comfy, and most importantly PRIVATE bed, number one way to get killed in any horror movie as Freddie, Jason and Mike will tell you-

NO STUPID GIRL THAT’S JASONS MOTHER!!!!

Whoops, sorry, still watching this movie, anyway, where was I?
Right, horror movies shagging and the bad results it heralds.

So, anyway, as our friends in the horror department will tell you, first ones to die are those silly teens and their senseless, out in public shagging, then, the rest of the horror movie archetypes swiftly follow like a pack of retard lemmings all eager to walk right into that machete.

So, with no further ado,

JESTERS GUIDE TO SURVIVING HORROR MOVIES

1. Be a virgin – this one is obvious, think about it, there is really only movie I can think of where the virgin has been directly targeted, I think it’s called ‘Cherry Killer’ or something like that, just remember the simple phrase, ‘have no sex, keep my neck’ and you’ll be golden
2. DON’T GO IN THERE! – if you are being pursued by some kind of murderer, or zombie/werewolf/vampire, and you see a small closet, outhouse, tent, attic or basement, or any place with no clear and easy to find second exit, DON’T GO IN THERE!
3. Kill the killer – this is a big one for me, that crucial moment when the victim hits the killer and they’re out cold, or just simply stunned, don’t run away and hid, KILL THE FUCKER! I’m serious about this one, because if you go and hide, you’re just going to end up being scarred senseless by the surprise pop up of the killer later on, and they are going to be pissed at you for hitting them back.
4. It’s never over – no, really, it never is, sequels are cheap and so are axes

So, follow these rules and you should be good and clear, umm, unless its Freddie you’re dealing with, but he’s an arsehole anyway, doesn’t hold a candle against Jason-I’ve-been-killed-a-dozen-fucking-times-Voorhes.

Aside from that dear reader, welcome to my blog, hit my up with any questions, hate mail or pledges of allegiance at, JesterofFire@rocketmail.com

and remember kiddies: playing with fire is a really awesome way to get people to like you

Edit: Just to add, all i got from watching Friday 13th was that i now want to go camping with some friends and my hockey mask :]