No. 42, PARA. 6: How not to be seen

Well, now I’ve done it, gone and gotten this whole bloggity blog stuff all signed up for and ready for my waves of bullshit to pollute the otherwise pure and virginal sea that is the internet.

Well, first things first, welcome to my blog,

I am your humble friend and lord/master, Jester

This blog is Ignis Follis, which, according to the supreme knowledge of Google, is roughly translated to, Ignis=Fire, Follis=bag of wind, as in wind bag, not some giant bag I keep the unfavorable driving winds my captive like some modern day Odysseus, although that would be pretty damn cool.

Anyway, best get to the blogging part.

As I type this, I'm watching the first Friday 13^th film in all its 80’s glory, and damn, those are some oversexed teens.

It really has always bugged me about films and such and their showing of teen sexy-times, now, I'm not one to complain about people getting loads of sex, not my concern, power to you pal if you just scored with half the cheerleading squad/camp councilors/field trip group.
What really bugs me is that places they do it, I mean, jay-sis, under the bleachers, back of a car and atop a creepy loft at camp Crystal Lake?

Keep it in the pants ladies and fellas, just wait the one or two weeks till you get to a nice and warm and comfy, and most importantly PRIVATE bed, number one way to get killed in any horror movie as Freddie, Jason and Mike will tell you-

NO STUPID GIRL THAT’S JASONS MOTHER!!!!

Whoops, sorry, still watching this movie, anyway, where was I?
Right, horror movies shagging and the bad results it heralds.

So, anyway, as our friends in the horror department will tell you, first ones to die are those silly teens and their senseless, out in public shagging, then, the rest of the horror movie archetypes swiftly follow like a pack of retard lemmings all eager to walk right into that machete.

So, with no further ado,

JESTERS GUIDE TO SURVIVING HORROR MOVIES

1. Be a virgin – this one is obvious, think about it, there is really only movie I can think of where the virgin has been directly targeted, I think it’s called ‘Cherry Killer’ or something like that, just remember the simple phrase, ‘have no sex, keep my neck’ and you’ll be golden
2. DON’T GO IN THERE! – if you are being pursued by some kind of murderer, or zombie/werewolf/vampire, and you see a small closet, outhouse, tent, attic or basement, or any place with no clear and easy to find second exit, DON’T GO IN THERE!
3. Kill the killer – this is a big one for me, that crucial moment when the victim hits the killer and they’re out cold, or just simply stunned, don’t run away and hid, KILL THE FUCKER! I’m serious about this one, because if you go and hide, you’re just going to end up being scarred senseless by the surprise pop up of the killer later on, and they are going to be pissed at you for hitting them back.
4. It’s never over – no, really, it never is, sequels are cheap and so are axes

So, follow these rules and you should be good and clear, umm, unless its Freddie you’re dealing with, but he’s an arsehole anyway, doesn’t hold a candle against Jason-I’ve-been-killed-a-dozen-fucking-times-Voorhes.

Aside from that dear reader, welcome to my blog, hit my up with any questions, hate mail or pledges of allegiance at, JesterofFire@rocketmail.com

and remember kiddies: playing with fire is a really awesome way to get people to like you

Edit: Just to add, all i got from watching Friday 13th was that i now want to go camping with some friends and my hockey mask :]